How Solitude can transform your life for the better

Being alone is a subject that is very present in today’s time as we are in the middle of a pandemic, but also a topic that very recently made the hugest impact in my life. In the past six months, I choose to be alone with myself more and more and fell in love with it once again.

Whilst researching this subject, I realised that being alone is something many people struggle with. I’ve also seen this with many close friends that seem to fill all of their free time through interacting with others, scared of having to be with their own thoughts.

In this article, I will explore for you some scientific research of the benefits and importance of being alone. Linked to my own experience, research and some eastern philosophies, here are the benefits of being alone as well as some tips on how to enjoy your solitude.

“A little while alone in your room will prove more valuable than anything else that could ever be given you.”

Rumi

Being alone vs being lonely

“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self”

May Sarton

A research study from 2014 concluded that people rather give themselves electric shocks than being alone with their own thoughts [1]. On the other hand, there are people like the Hindu philosopher Ramana Maharashi that deliberately choose the Hermit life and spend months or even several years in complete solitude.

There is a huge difference of being alone versus feeling lonely. You have probably at some point in your life felt utterly lonely even though you were surrounded by a big crowd of people, maybe even close friends or a love partner. On the other hand, you may have experienced a profound sense of connection whilst being solely by yourself.

Whilst being lonely is damaging for your emotional and even physical health, being alone can be a healing, recharging and transformative experience. On that same note, being physically alone is an objective outside circumstance whilst feeling lonely is an internal cognitive and emotional state.

Even though basic social interaction and relationships are crucial for us, we more often than not overestimate the importance of having other people around. We attribute a lot of emotional states like “feeling secure” or “feeling loved” to being around people. Sometimes, even our whole self-esteem and happiness can depend on others.

In reality, feeling a sense of love or security is not something that comes from the outside. During my last relationship, even though I was constantly connected to someone, I grew to be more and more anxious. I had almost no self-esteem anymore up to a point where I was uncomfortable to do simple tasks like grocery shopping alone.

Now, even though I deliberately spend a huge bunch of my life completely alone, I feel a deep sense of being loved, being safe and being confident. Grocery shopping came to be one of my favorite chores and I tackle many new challenges alone but without any anxiety or worry.

If you struggle with being alone, I’d advise you to examine this feeling with a sense of curiosity. What is it that you are lacking without others? Whatever you stumble upon, remind yourself that this is something you need to internally work on.

If you constantly search for things in the outside world, you will feel more and more dependent on others which will further shrink your sense of self, leading to more searching for things on the outside as you have less perceived resources internally.

Benefits of being alone

More creativity

“Without great solitude, no serious work is possible.”

Pablo Picasso

The link between creativity and solitude is portrayed all around us: The painter at an empty lake, the physician that doesn’t leave his study or the author in an empty house by the sea. Most of us know the phenomena of finding the solutions to a problem or playing out vivid scenes in our head when we are alone in the shower.

In essence, creativity is the ability to form new associations between previously unrelated phenomena in an effective or valuable way [2]. Solitude allows a de- and ultimately reconstruction of previous cognitive patterns, which is crucial for creative thinking [3].

In a study of Barabasz in 1991, team members of a research team were exposed to three weeks of almost complete isolation in Antarctica. Afterwards, they reported things like more vivid daydreams or a higher absorption on the tasks at hand.

Calmer mind

If you are constantly bombarded by outside Stimuli, your mind needs process all this information. Especially nowadays with social media, we are living under a constant imput of data.

Solitude helps to prevent overstimulation, which is a critical component of mental illnesses like schizophrenia [4]. The benefits of solitude have often been researched under this point of view, but overstimulation is something everyone suffers from – some are only more sensible to it than others.

Even though in the beginning of your solitude practice (very similar to your meditation practice) it may feel like your thoughts are racing especially fast, probably quite the opposite is the case. You are only now becoming aware of your mind’s activity which right now is going at high speed because it is used to working at a high pace with an overload of information.

You will soon realise that after not much time in Solitude, your mind calms down. It may need an hour or even a day to adapt, but it eventually will grow accustomed to the new level of stimuli. After periods of three or more days without social media and social interactions, I have found a very intense sense of peace. My mind is usually only focused on the task at hand, much more absorbed in experiences I have in that moment and much less concerned with thoughts about the past or future.

You get to know yourself better

Studies have shown that people often use solitude to deeply reflect on themselves, as well as gaining a new understanding of their identity and priorities through it [5].

There are many different approaches and theories about identity in psychology. Identity, overall, is a construct of beliefs you have about yourself, whether that stems from internal attributes (i.e., skills or personality traits) or your social roles (i.e., being a student, being a good mother).

In his book “Solitude: A Return to Self” (1988), Storr suggests that by removing us from our habitual social context we are able to reflect about the self, reconceptualize it and grow more accustomed to change. Through being separated from our usual environment, its influence of defining and reinforcing our identities in the face of it diminishes.

One small example of this is my journey of vegetarianism. I have been a vegetarian pretty much all of my life, as I simply never liked meat and the thought of eating an animal just repelled me in a way. But there was just recently a span of about 1 year where I was around people who ate meat a lot, and started eating or even liking it myself. After I was out of that social context, with time I slowly changed back to a person that simply did not like meat at all and am now back to being vegetarian.

It helps detangle your sense of identity

This one is closely linked to what I wrote previously, but it’s a different approach to it. Whilst we all have a sense of Self or Identity, in many teachings like Buddhism this is referred to as the Ego. Being attached to your Ego is something that creates suffering and your Ego is not at all your true Self.

Many practitioners of Solitude go on this journey to completely dissolve their concept of Ego and find their True Self, which is also called the Buddha nature, God, Truth or many other names.

The Practice of Solitude is closely linked to Spirituality [6]. Taoists, Buddhists, Christian Monks/Nuns or Islamic Suffists are one of many examples who practice solitude and value it as a crucial part of their spiritual or religious practice.

Others

There are of course many more benefits of spending time alone. One of the most obvious one’s would be that you have more time to focus on your hobbies and skills, work on personal projects or to have some time to restore and recharge.

I personally think that those things should not be your main focus on why you want to spend more time alone. Being more emerged in a hobby should be seen as a nice side-effect, but not the main reason for it.

Spending time alone should be approached with the pure intention of doing it for yourself. In being concerned with an increase of productivity, your Solitude would become more a like time bridge instead of being fully experienced just for the sake of it.

How to learn to be alone

Ease into it

If you never really spent some prolonged time in solitude, don’t bulldozer in with a ten-day silent retreat in India. Chances are it may only be an exhausting experience without you enjoying it. Start with a few evenings a week, slowly progress to a day, a weekend and then maybe one week without social media (whilst still living your everyday life).

As you grow more comfortable with it, a longing for solitude may kick in. You will enjoy your You-Time; a weekend completely secluded in a cabin at the woods will be at the top of your to-do list every month.

Do it for yourself

Don’t do it because of any “benefits”, or because your peers seem to be doing it or because you want to gain anything out of it. Simply do it for yourself, to be with yourself.

After my two-week isolation period, some of my friends decided to try some version of it themselves. But they didn’t do it because they wanted to, but because they thought it was going to make them feel a certain way. All of them cut their isolation period short because for them, it simply felt like a time period to kill off.

Practice it consistently

I can’t stress this one enough. Make this practice, just like your meditation practice, a habit. If you have one day off at work (and not too many other chores to accomplish), carve that day out to having some time of Solitude. If you can’t afford a whole day, at least make it a habit to have some evenings or mornings completely for yourself.

With time, as I already mentioned, you will probably feel the urge to have some time alone. In my opinion, a regular practice of Solitude is worth way more than any two-week silent retreat that you go one once a year.

Go into nature

I honestly believe that nowhere is time spent alone better than in nature. Take a blanket and sit in a forest for the afternoon. At least, go on a long walk outside.

In connecting with nature, you will yourself experience a deep sense of connection that is independent of other people. Being outside also has a really calming effect on your mind and body. Plus, you probably won’t feel the urge to watch a Netflix-Video whilst relaxing in the sun.

Practice things like Meditation or Yoga

Yoga and Meditation really helps If you struggle with a racing, chattery mind. It is also the most direct practice of spending time with yourself, as in Meditation or Yoga, your focus is really only on you.

I believe the Practice of Yoga and Meditation go hand in hand with the practice of Solitude. Both benefit each other, need to be practiced regularly and for the sole purpose of doing the activity at hand.

Get into the habit of writing

Writing is like talking to yourself, but in a structured way. Our thoughts are oftentimes all-over the place, but writing arranges them in a coherent way. For me personally, writing is the best support of being alone.

Through writing, I often realise that things that bother me are really not that bad as they seem in my head. It helps me to get thoughts out, so that I don’t have to carry them around with me in my head all the time. It also helps to really figure out what I really feel and what the actual trigger for a certain feeling is.

Find hobbies

As kids, we all had more than enough of fun things to do with our time. Throughout time, as we got more and more absorbed by our chores, we seem to have forgotten how to just play and have fun. By hobby, I really don’t mean anything productive (even though it of course can be), but really something you enjoy doing just for the sake of doing it.

Whilst being emerged in a task at hand, you might even experience a Flow state. This is a highly enjoyable state where time seems to simply fly by whilst your sense of Self completely vanishes.

Develop interests

Ever wanted to know about the Saints in the 1st century? Have you been interested about sea life or did you want to finally read every one of Kafka’s books?

There are endless things in the world you could learn and know about. Find something that sparks your interest and go from there. You may be surprised where you end up, as it is like opening a bag of chips: Once you take the first bite, it seems impossible to stop snaking on all the interesting things there are to know.

Final Words

A lot of the things we search for in the outside world – security, emotional reassurance or even love – are things that actually stem from yourself internally. By practicing Solitude, getting more comfortable with being alone and really getting to know yourself without distractions, those and many more qualities can be nourished within you.

Spending more time alone and without distractions helps to calm your mind, foster creativity and helps to reconstruct the identity you have about yourself. Especially nowadays when we are connected all the time (via our phones), it is important to give our brain a break from this constant input as it is always driving on high-speed mode.

There are many ways on how to get more and more comfortable with being alone. You don’t have to dive in with a two week silent-retreat. Try out one evening for yourself, without your phone. Write something, read a book, try out Yoga and Meditation or simply emerge yourself in a hobby. You’ll see how good it feels and probably commit to your Solitude practice with time.

I’m wishing you a happy time with yourself! To end this post, I can’t help but put this quote from my favorite author here:

We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being.

Hermann hesse