Red Flags and Signs of emotional abuse

When we think of abuse, we often only consider physically harmful behavior. When we think of emotional abuse, we are quick to say that “it isn’t really that bad” or blame the victim for not just “simply leaving”. Emotional abuse is oftentimes really subtle, builds up over time and leaves the victim psychologically intensely damaged so that “just leaving” might simply be impossible.

A victim of emotional abuse is often left with a really fractured psyche. Over time, they lose their sense of who they are. Since they lost all trust in themselves, believing whatever the abuser has indoctrinated into them is only natural. After all, emotionally abused people are often isolated, made believe that all they do is “wrong” and that only the abuser is their savior that so honorably puts up with them.

Abuse comes in many shapes and forms, but there are a few red flags that indicate something being terribly wrong. Abuse mostly comes from people very close like a romantic partner or a family member but can also occur in the work-space or between friends.

If you recognize some of those red flags happening to you, please be very careful. People that express this kind of behavior will most likely never change. It is also an absolutely natural response that you try to play down the behavior, to feel the urge to defend the abuser or instead blame yourself for their behavior.

Don’t play down their behavior or wait for them to change. It will most likely never happen and leave you more and more damaged.

Healing from emotional abuse can take many years and you won’t be able to do it alone. Please reach out to people you trust, even If you haven’t talked to them in a long time. Also please seek out therapy, as it may help you untangle the abuse over time which can reach really deep.

Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior can occur in many ways. It more often than not happens in a subtle and slow manner:

• Making all decisions in the relationship, and making them unilateral (i.e. they decide whether or not it is time to move in together without being open to discuss this subject).
• Demanding to be the “leader” (oftentimes rationalized through saying things like: “One person needs to be in charge especially If you get too emotionally confused again.”)
• Using your fears – This can happen directly or masked to “help you”.
• Withholding affection – This is a form of punishment. If you find yourself begging for a hug or a kind word after a disagreement, this is a huge red flag. Also, oftentimes after the relationship ends, they won’t even treat you like a decent human being anymore.
• Making demands and expecting you to fulfill them – Of course, without you second-guessing anything.
• Requiring immediate response to texts and calls.
• Isolating you – This often happens over-time and without you realising it happens.
• Controlling your social life – If someone constantly discredits your friends or family, telling you that they are all “not healthy” for you, please be careful. They may cover it up as “protecting you”, showing you all the “sick behavior” of those around you.
• Accusing you of cheating or flirting – Up to a point you feel anxious even talking to a person of the other gender.
• Compelling you to spend all of your time together
• Making fun of either your own personal hobbies, your cow-workers, friends or family.

Acting superior

• Treating you like a child or someone that needs guidance.
• Using your childhood wounds against you and as a sign of you being inferior to them.
• Blaming you for their mistakes or shortcomings.
• Blaming you for their irrational behavior or emotional outbursts (i.e.: I only acted this way because YOU made me do so).
• Invalidating your opinions, beliefs, thoughts or point of view. They either tell you you are being irrational or simply put it down with a gentle smile.
• Acting as If they are always right – And believing this. I.e.: “Everything is always your fault“.
• Using sarcasm in interactions – And then telling you you are being too sensitive when expressing hurt.
• Having rigid world-views – And not excepting of other opinions. They most likely think to know the truth about every single subject and belittle every other opinion.

Invalidation

• Calling you names – This can vary from swearwords, to belittling names to telling you “you are just like my Ex”.
• Accusing you of being “too emotional”, “always creating drama” or “crazy“.
• Refusing to acknowledge your perception of reality, your ideas, beliefs or feelings.
• Dismissing your wants and needs – By telling you it’s just “irrational”, “too needy” or “stupid”.
• Invalidating your feelings – oftentimes through telling you that you are “exaggerating” or creating senseless drama.
• Deciding how you should feel – Telling you how you should feel or react to some of their behavior expressed. They give you reasons why your feelings are “wrong”, i.e. through using your childhood against you.
• Dismissing you – They may laugh at you being hurt or roll their eyes at something you say.
• Ignoring you being hurt – They might even get angry at you for crying.
• Character assassination – Through using the word “always“, they imply something innately wrong with you.

Blame and Denial

• Jealousy – They accuse you of flirting, cheating or being unfaithful.
• Accusing you of abuse – This can happen in a direct or subtle way through telling you to go to therapy or labeling you with a mental illness like BPD.
• Using guilt – “After everything I’ve done for you” / “You owe me this”.
• Denying something that is true – This is particularly called gaslighting, which I will further explain in this article.
• Trivializing – Whenever you express hurt, they will simply belittle those feelings or even tell you you are “crazy” or “always creating drama”.
• Blaming their behavior on you – Whatever they do, it is “always your fault”.
• Saying you have no sense of humor – This happens after you express your hurt feelings towards something they said or did.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim questions their perception of reality, sanity or memories.

Tactics of Gaslighting

• Opposing: They may say you remember it incorrectly or telling you things like “you know you always confuse things”.
• Denying Wrongdoing: This is one of the favorite abuse and bully tactics used. They never take responsibility for anything they did or give you a genuine excuse. This kind of behavior makes it really hard for a victim of abuse to heal and recover.
• Shifting Blame: Besides denying they did anything wrong, they will shift the blame on you. You will be the root problem for everything, ranging from your hurt feelings to any disagreement or any of their behavior. Beware of sentences like “it is always your fault”, “you are crazy” or “you always create drama”.
• Projection: They are constantly telling you you lack commitment but they express exactly that kind of behavior that indicates this? Abusers love to project their own flaws on you.
• Positive reinforcement and confusion: Abusers love to switch between idealising and degrading you. Be cautious of what they idealise and especially what kind of behavior they try to reinforce by displaying the most enthusiastic and loving behavior towards you. These most intense periods of love are on the one hand used to mold you into the person they want to have. On the other hand, confusion is the strongest weapon of abusers. Through confusing the victim, it will grow more and more dependent on the abuser.
• Denying: They deny they ever said or did something, even though you know it is true or even have proof. They may break a promise they gave you continuously for months and then tell you they never said anything like that. This slowly leads to the victim questioning their perception of reality or even sanity.
• They tell you you or everyone else is crazy: Slowly, this will lead to the victim feeling more and more isolated whilst questioning their reality. Once again, this will also reinforce the dependency towards the abuser as the only “sane person”.
• Twisting and Reframing: This can be done with any kind of conversation and oftentimes happens when more drastic things like physical abuse is involved. If the abuser touched you in a violent way, they may twist the situation telling you “you were attacking me and I was trying to calm you down”.

Signs you are being Gaslighted

Gaslighting can happen to the most independent, healthy and self-aware people because it happens slowly, gradually and progresses in an almost invisible way. Here are some signs that may indicate you are being gaslighted:

• You struggle to make decisions and rely on the other persons approval
• You become co-dependent
• You question your sanity and wonder If something is wrong with you
• You become insecure and anxious
• You second-guess yourself
• You constantly feel confused
• You feel like you are walking on egg-shells
• You feel alone and isolated
• You feel as If you are too sensitive
• You feel as If something is innately wrong with you
• You doubt your feelings and reality

What to do If you are being emotionally abused

How to deal with emotional abuse, how to heal and how to recover would be so much to write about, another blogpost would be needed. But If you are just now recognizing some of this behavior happening to you, I want to leave you off with a few tips on how to proceed.

I get how hard it is. If you realise someone really close to you like a romantic partner is being emotionally abusive, you might feel completely lost and crushed. Just reading some of those signs may lead to you crying uncontrollably and feeling completely heartbroken.

Here is some advice and tips on how to deal with emotional abuse:

1. Get out of that situation

This is the hardest and most important step. I get it, and I deeply feel for you. Just the thought of leaving might evoke a hurricane of feelings like anxiety, despair, utter panic and confusion.

This is because your abuser has made you dependent on them, made you question your own perception of the world, isolated you and – in essence – completely crushed any sense of who you are.

My advice for you is to cut off all ties and, If possible, try to get as much physical distance as possible between you and that person. As the abuse has damaged you psychologically, being physically close to that person is immense stress. It will take some time to rebuild yourself, and until then, you might be inclined to go back to the place of abuse.

2. Cut off ties with others surrounding the abuser

If you and that person had a shared social environment, I advise you to cut off ties with them too. This is an advice a clinical psychologist that deals with domestic abuse from the hospital I work in emphasizes because: An abuser will most likely use some manipulation tactics on those around him, too.

I know it may be hurtful and hard, but those around him are most likely to be as manipulated and blind to his abuse as you were. Especially If you are the one who ended things, the abuser will use all kinds of tactics to smear your reputation, make you seem like the crazy person that just completely lost it.

I know it hurts immensely, as you most likely have already established some emotional bonds to those people. But just like you were completely sucked into their worldview and blind to any of their wrongdoings, others are, too.

3. Go to therapy

Gladly, the stigma surrounding therapy is not as big as it was years before. Emotional abuse can really mess you up, leave you anxious, confused and with a variety of mental health problems.

A therapist can help you work through those issues and guide you. Your healing journey may take months or years and will be accompanied by a variety of feelings to work through – shame, guilt, despair, confusion – only to name a few.

Especially If you were a victim of gaslighting, a therapist can help establish a sense of trust in yourself again.

4. Reconnect with friends and family

Especially If you have been isolated during your emotional abusive relationship, reconnecting with old friends and family is essential. You might be scared at first, but you will be surprised at how loving, understanding and nurturing some will be.

Reconnecting with people you knew outside your abuse will also help you to find your sense of self again. It will help you to experience yourself as an independent person. You will also be shocked at how different but awesome good and healthy relationships make you feel.

5. Meet new people

It might take some time to open yourself up to someone new, whether this means in a platonic or romantic way. If you are not ready the first few weeks or months after you escaped the abuse, that is totally okay.

Meeting new people can be a wonderful and healing experience. The abuse most likely will have crushed your self-worth. Through connecting with new people and experiencing them valuing and worshipping you, this wound can heal more easily.

6. Don’t play their game

Healing won’t be linear. There will be times when you are free of them and their abuse, feel like yourself again, are confident and happy. But there will also be times when you are in your old state-of-mind, confused, scared and full of self-doubt.

Don’t do what they do. Especially If you are the one who ended things, you might be faced with cruel behavior. They most likely will give you the silent treatment, block you, ignore you and devalue you as a human being.

Don’t do the same to them. I get that you are angry, I get that some part of you wants revenge. But during your healing process, you will face times when you doubt yourself again, when you want them back and when you are sucked in this old, abusive pattern.

Prepare yourself for those times and stay that nice, compassionate and loving human being that you are. Wish them a happy birthday If you feel like it or give them a nice smile when you encounter them on the streets. By knowing you behaved in a way that is mature and polite, you will ease those crushing self-doubts that are ultimately going to creep in when you are in this other state-of-mind.

By knowing you did everything you could, by staying true to who you are and what you value, moving on will be much easier. After all, you gave them a hand, you treated them nice, and you are not the one to blame.

7. No, they won’t change or tell you they are sorry

There is nothing I have to add to this point. Remind yourself of this every day, no matter how hurtful it is.

Final Words

Emotional abuse can be one of the most cruelest and soul-crushing experiences one has to go through. It can completely destroy your sense of self, your trust in yourself and who you are.

The worst part is that emotional abuse can happen to anyone. It happens slowly, can start off a place full of love and light and gradually without you noticing turn into your darkest nightmare.

If you notice some of those red flags in this article, please consider getting yourself help. Talk to someone you trust or reach out to a professional. No matter how small, weak or confused you feel, you will get through this.

Not only will you heal and recover from it, but it will make you grow into the most confident, secure and stable version you could envision for yourself.

I promise you from the bottom of my heart your life won’t always be this dark. I know right now it feels like a pain that isn’t surmountable, but I deeply trust you can grow and heal through it.

“The wound is the place where the light enters.”

Rumi