Radical Acceptance – A Mindset to get you through tough times

When going through rough times, the last thing we want to hear is to “just accept” the situation. I get that. You might be thinking firstly, this cannot simply be accepted. And secondly, you might feel like this means to not change anything about the situation you are in. In fact, with radical acceptance quite the opposite is meant.

Through accepting the situation at hand fully, you are able to chance the circumstances far greater as If you were still fighting against what is.

It also isn’t meant to diminish or belittle what you are going through. It’s not meant in a way that you have to be at all okey with it or even approve of anything. But by not resisting what is actually happening, your pain won’t turn into suffering. It will be just that: Pain. And with pain, you can work.

“The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment [.]”

Eckhart Tolle

What is radical acceptance?

Radical Acceptance is actually a skill derived from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) by Marsha N. Linehan. When facing difficult emotions and situations, radical acceptance is a tool to reduce unnecessary suffering and to better be able in navigating through difficult situations.

“Radical” means to fully acknowledge reality as it is. This means to accept it with the body, mind and soul. At first, this sounds hard or even impossible, but with practice and a few tips, radical acceptance will really change your life for the better.

How radical acceptance helped me move on

After going through a tough breakup, I had a really hard time letting go. This was due to me not being able to accept reality as it was; I was still holding on to an image and illusion of a person that simply wasn’t true. For almost five months, I suffered unnecessary because I couldn’t let go of how I thought he should be.

I was confused, as I had actually accepted the other parts of the breakup already. I had accepted my wrongdoings, his wrongdoings, mostly I was actually in the most happy and healthy place I’ve been in since years. Still, some part of me wasn’t able to let go.

It struck me that although I had accepted a lot of the situation, the fact of him not being the person I fooled myself into thinking he was made me suffer. I suffered, because what had happened and still happened simply wasn’t how I thought it should be.

Coming to terms with that was the most painful but also the most freeing part of this process. Radical acceptance freed me from the confusion I previously was in. It took him down from the pedestal I had put him on.

It doesn’t mean that this didn’t hurt. Of course it hurt. It felt like someone died, because in some way, that’s what happened. The person I loved most on this earth simply wasn’t there anymore and probably, never has been. This is painful. This immense pain is probably what kept me from realizing this.

But it set me free from the person that actually is on this earth. I would have only dragged this pain with me for longer and longer, only to be hurt and disappointed continuously.

So instead of further neglecting a reality that did not match up to an imagination of a person in my mind, I stopped bargaining. I stopped searching for endless excuses like “he only did this because of this, but deep down he (…)”. It is impossible to have insights into the “what if’s”. Instead, I accepted the “what is”, realized I absolutely don’t welcome any of this in my life and was able to move on and be free from it.

What radical acceptance is not

As I hope the precious example outlined, radical acceptance does not mean to approve of what is happening in any way. It does not mean to passively wait something out, be a victim of anything or giving in.

You have to realise that an event or injustice can’t be changed If you don’t fully accept all parts of what happened. Refusing to acknowledge what happened will only make you suffer without ever changing anything. You’ll end up fighting against yourself instead of working through the situation.

10 steps on how to practice radical acceptance

Here, you have the ten steps to practice radical acceptance as it is taught in DBT. Those steps are originated by Marsha Linehan.

1. Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (“it shouldn’t be this way”)
2. Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed (“this is what happened”)
3. Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality (“this is how things happened”)
4. Practice accepting with your whole self (mind, body, spirit) – Use accepting self-talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness and/or imagery
5. List all of the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the facts and then engage in those behaviors as if you have already accepted the facts
6. Imagine, in your mind’s eye, believing what you do not want to accept and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable
7. Attend to body sensations as you think about what you need to accept
8. Allow disappointment, sadness or grief to arise within you
9. Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain
10. Do pros and cons if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance

How to realize when you are not in a state of acceptance

Radical acceptance needs to be practiced continuously. It is normal to fall out of it from time to time. In your head, imagine it as a two-way street. Very often, you have to make the conscious choice again and again to accept reality as what is.

Here are some things that help you realise when you are not in acceptance anymore:

• “All would be well if only X would happen”
• “This shouldn’t be this way”
• “It doesn’t make any sense”
• Feeling of resentment
• You try to control other people’s behavior
• “I won’t accept this”
• Trying to foresee the future
• Giving up and feeling beaten down (remember: Radical acceptance does NOT mean you can’t change your situation, even If sometimes that is ‘solely’ changing your attitude to it!)
• “I shouldn’t feel like this”
• Judgment or criticism (“should”, “ought”, “must”)
• Constantly reliving the past (this is a mechanism often used when you try to “solve” something)

Beginner steps to radical acceptance

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

William James

Practicing radical acceptance in a very painful situation can be tough. My advice for you would be to practice it in your daily life on small things. Practice it when in traffic. Practice it when you wait in a long line. Practice it when a stranger behaves rude towards you. Practice it when you get a stain on your shirt.

By doing this in situation where you are not consumed by strong emotions, your mind will form new pathways. Radical acceptance is a habit that you need to form, practice and keep alive. Your old way of non-acceptance is a habit too, that you will only break by not engaging in it anymore.

Another thing that may help you are coping statements. Repeat them almost as If they were a Mantra. In continuously doing so, your mind will grow accustomed to it and believe it to be true. You will find great comfort in them, as they will give you a sense of peace during hard times. Use statements such as:

• “The situation is as is it. I can only change my attitude and response towards it.”
• “Resisting this will only continue my suffering. I now accept this and help myself through this situation with all of my abilities.”
• “This hurts, but I will help myself through the pain. This pain is not all there is to life.”
• “I can feel pain, but I can still work towards are more healthy and happy future.”
• “Fighting my past will only bring me pain in the present.”
• “The universe is complex and intertwined. I can’t fully understand what caused this situation, but it is what it is now.”
• “I can’t foresee the future. I may feel anxious about it, but I can work with that feeling.”
• “I won’t keep worrying about worst-case scenarios since that will only bring me pain in my present. The moment has not arrived yet. I trust myself fully that I will be able to deal with it once it arrives.”

How to accept pain

What often hinders us from practicing radical acceptance is pain. We try to avoid the pain by not facing what happens. That this only enhances the pain and turns it into suffering is something we forget fast.

You need to remember that pain is an innate part of life. Everyone experiences pain, and everyone experiences pain multiple times throughout their life. Accepting that pain will always be a part of life takes the weight off of it. Instead of running from it and therefore suffering all your life, you will be able to transform and grow from it.

Pain is a great chance for you to get closer to yourself. It is a chance to slow down and take a honest look at your life. It is a great indicator that something isn’t working out in your life right now. I deeply believe that the truest transformations are born out of a place of pain.

“The cure for pain is in the pain.”

Rumi

In accepting pain as a part of life, you can slowly learn how to work with that feeling. By not fearing it but instead going right into it, pain is wonderful. Pain can act as a road sign towards a deeper and more true sense of self and happiness.

If you struggle a lot with handling your emotions, I really recommend you check out this article: 4 ways to Deal with extreme emotions.

What may keep you from radical acceptance

Apart from pain, there are many common hindrances in radically accepting something. I wrote them down for you. If some of them resonate, you can now know where you need to start working on.

1. Lacking skills for acceptance; not knowing how to accept really painful things
2. You believe that accepting a painful event is equivalent to complacency or approval.
3. Emotions get in the way (sadness, anger, rage, shame, guilt)

Why should we accept reality?

Although I gave you many reasons throughout this article already, I have a summary here for you. Seeing it written down in a compiled list might help you to choose radical acceptance when life gets tough.

• Rejecting reality doesn’t change it
• Changing reality requires accepting it
• Pain is unavoidable, and merely a signal something is wrong
• Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering
• Refusing to accept reality keeps you stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, etc
• Acceptance may lead to sadness, but calmness usually follows
• The path out of hell is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery that is climbing out of hell, you fall back into hell.

Final Words

We all experience pain, loss and difficult situations. It is an innate part of life that no one can escape from. Radical Acceptance is a mindset that will get you through those tough times, no matter how they are made up.

By accepting what really is happening, you are able to work through it. Instead of fighting against yourself, resisting what is already there, you will be able to deal with it. After all, to solve a problem one needs to know it first.

Pain will only turn into suffering If we try to resist it. If you really understand the truth behind this, a lot of your emotional distress will dissolve on its own. You then have the chance to see your pain as a friend rather than an enemy to fight. Instead of further punishing yourself for feeling the way you do, you can tend to it. You can ease it, work with it and see what it is trying to tell you.

Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.

Rumi